Sweet Surrender
by flatfoot
Summary: [Completed] AU. R for dark, slight lemon[yaoi] & language. Will Sanzo surrender to someone else after loving & losing another? [Gojyo x Sanzo]
1. Meaningless

**Author's note:**  
This is a two part AU series. In this first part, there's not much of action... just reactions and interactions. It's from a character's point-of-view. Yaoi fic, eventually. The rating shall change to R for the next chapter. Be warned of bad, filthy language and thoughts!! [GojyoxSanzo / SanzoxGojyo] Basically all depends on how you want to look at it, the pairing I mean.

Sweet Surrender [originally Surrender], the title, was inspired by **Serena-san** [**enervate**] :) Thank you very much for the idea. I think it fits somehow. Well, I'm not too into the title, which is why I can come up with the corniest ones. That's why I asked for your help! By the way, I'm waiting for your WA fic!! Where is it?? :þ Maybe I'll make this story into a song-fic later? Hmmm...

Just another small note. The _italic_ bit is when the character is thinking, and the rest is what he sees/narrates.

**Disclaimer:**  
I don't own the characters, just the story [or at least just the words that formed the sentences].

~~~~~ 

[_It doesn't mean much  
it doesn't mean anything at all  
the life I've left behind me  
is a cold room_] 

At one dark corner of the smoke filled club was I, standing with my arms crossed, checking out the individuals who flounced pass by me. Some giving me come hither looks, some smirked and then there were those who were too stuck-up to notice I was even there. _Fuck them_. 'Sides, I wasn't even interested. None of them were my type. Most of them were fashion victims. One guy wore a tight light blue floral shirt with red leather bell-bottoms. _Yuck!_ Another guy had hair one might've thought his mother had fucked a parrot. _He might as well carry a neon sign flashing, "Notice Me"_. And then of course, the rest were girls. They did look... yummy, but still... not to my fancy.

Taking in a deep, suffering breath of second-hand smoke, I sighed in sheer boredom. I was aching to have a smoke, and this was probably the last place I should be in. Desperate need to chew on at least one stick, but I made a self-declaration to quit... and it has been an agonizing 2-month journey through hell. _Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up at the moment_. I gritted my teeth trying to endure the withdrawal I'm going thru and concentrated on the music they were playing.

Loud bass thumping from the trance music they played hummed on my back as I leaned against the wall. The deafening sounds pounded in my ears, my head, my throat and my chest. My heart felt like it was about to burst as it pulsated to the beat of the music. I closed my eyes and moved my body to the rhythm. _Who cares if I'm not on the dance floor? Who cares if I'm dancing by myself? I don't fucking care anymore if it's just the music and me to put me on a high._

Soon I was oblivious to my surroundings as the synchronization of computer generated beats and real instrumental melodies harmonized at a fast pace, enveloping my soul in ecstasy. I didn't need the pills or even alcohol to reach such a state. Just non-stop good music. Every hair on my body stood on ends as the music reached a certain peak, a chill running through my body just before the song declined to another wordless chorus. I opened up my eyes again, blurrily trying to adjust to the thick layer of smoke and it's murkiness. It felt like I was in a dream, but I knew exactly where I was. Some dreary new club in town I wouldn't be coming back to anytime soon. I was about to make my way towards the bar when something caught my sight.

Tall, slim and saucy. It was those first three words that occurred to me that described him. He had legs so long it reached above his ass. His crimson colored hair contrasted wildly opposed to the black leather outfit he wore. I couldn't help but continue gawking at him as he strutted across the room in my direction. _Who was he?_ I wondered. _Perhaps I'll get a better look when he gets closer_. Nonchalantly he flipped his long hair, exposing more of his face. Then as if in slow motion, a small grin appeared on one side of his lips as he winked. _What the... was that for me?_ I turned to check if there was anyone else behind me, but there wasn't. I succeeded to keep a straight face all the way and pretended not to notice the brief acknowledgment he'd given me. _Shit!_

A small smile still playing on his lips, he stopped right in front of me placing one hand on the wall beside my head and another on his hip. He dipped his head lower to my level and brought his face closer to my ear. Under normal circumstances I would have lashed out a brutal comment to a person who had no right to enter my personal space, but there was something hauntingly familiar about this stranger I just had to know what he wanted to tell me. But then again, I could just be overreacting because in a place such as this, the music was too loud to hear anyone speak at a normal level... or even a foot away.

"Hi... I was wondering if you could help me out a 'lil." _Help? In what way?_ "My friend over there and I took a bet. She claims that you were staring at me." _God, it's either I was that obvious or that's gotta be the most clichéd pick up line_.

He was standing so close to me, I had difficulty breathing. _Darn, he just had to smell so good_. I pushed some unruly strands of hair back, put on one of my annoyed looks and said, "What?" _Ugh... what a stupid thing to say. Stupid, stupid, stupid_. It's not like I didn't hear him. In fact I heard him perfectly well. So well, I wanted to hear his voice again.

"I said..." he inched even closer to me, red strands of hair tickling my bare arm. _How am I suppose to breath? Wait, I'm just overreacting again. Just making it a big deal._ His warm breath blew into my ear as he continued, "... I was trying to tell you that I _want_ you!" I was overly shocked. Probably more excited than stunned... _I hope he can't read minds or I'll be so busted_.

He moved back far enough to be able to look at my expression. Well obviously I wasn't going to show him how weak and pathetic I felt. Instead I looked at him straight in the eye, not a smile visible, and said, "Looks like you'll just have to tell your friend that she lost the bet!" _What was I doing? This is what I came for and here I am throwing it away when it's given to me on a silver platter. Well I, Genjo Sanzo, proud as ever can be, ain't the type who'd give in so easily. Who does he think he is anyway?_

With that, I walked away from that suffocating space that I had to control myself in and headed towards the bar... just like what I had intended to do before he showed up. He grinned a big stupid smile at me, letting out an unbelievable-shocked sounding snort. He probably felt really foolish, thinking ahead of himself. _Hah!_ I visualized giving myself a pat on the back and smiled at my little victory. I felt a little flushed. Flushed because I was nervous, because I was caught and probably also because I managed to seem confident with my response, and a good one that was.

I quickly grabbed a stool at the bar and sat myself down. My knees felt wobbly, but for just a brief moment. I needed to calm myself. _This is so unlike me_. I was about to steal a peek at where the redhead was but then bartender asked, "What's your poison?" _What do I feel like drinking?_ "Get me a gin tonic, and don't be stingy with the gin!"

"Make that two, please." It was him. He had on a charming smile, looking at me as he pulled the stool next to me to have a seat. "The drink is on me. As an apology for the... absurd gestures I had made?"

There it was again. There was something about him, some sort of signals he sent indirectly which made me want to grab his shirt and kiss him senselessly. I cleared my throat, shook off the explicit image forming in mind and sneered, "Do whatever you want." _I can be such a bitch sometimes_.

I looked away from him, pretending to be interested in the people who were dancing on the stage. I could feel him staring at the back of my head. _Did I care?_ He was probably regretting ever coming up to an arrogant person like me. _Oh well_. The bartender placed two square napkins on the bar top along with our glasses on it, then popped in a tiny black straw in each glass before turning away to attend to another customer. I took my glass, picked out the straw and downed the cool transparent liquid. As I placed the empty glass back down, I turned to look at the taller man next to me.

Eyes wide as though he had seen a ghost, he said, "Where's the fire? It's only twelve thirty in the morning. The night is still young!" pointing at the watch on his wrist.

"Well, I wasn't planning to spend the rest of the night in this hole. The _people_ here can be incredibly anal!" I said sarcastically, trying to hint at him and hoping he got it.

"Hey!" he held his hands up defensively. "I said I was sorry. What the heck is wrong with you? Got you knickers in a twist? This place ain't a funeral home. You're suppose to enjoy yourself!"

_Maybe I was a little hard on him_. "I was enjoying myself fine until _you_ came along and declared your idiocy." _Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that. How ludicrous could I be?_

His jaw literally dropped at my response. Anger building in his already red eyes. He grabbed the collar of my shirt and jerked me up closer to his face. All I could see is red, red angry eyes glowering into mine. _Opps?_ "Fuck you, you pompous 'lil shit! I will not be mocked by some fucked up stranger!!" With that he pushed me back into my seat, almost falling off, grabbed his drink and stormed.

I sat there, at the bar, staring at nothing in particular like some fool. Replaying the incident over and over again in my mind. I blew off the only chance I had to have fun tonight. _Yeah, why don't you just tell everyone how much of a brain you have left? Oh wait, you did... a moment ago!!_ "Argh... fuck!"

Out of nowhere, the bartender spoke, "Whoa man. You're in deep shit. Why did you go and-"

"Did I ask for your damn opinion?" I snapped back at him. 

"Well _ excuse me_, mister know-it-all. By the way, your _ friend_ forgot to pay after you screwed up. So _you_ owe me for the drinks!"

"What?" I reached into my pocket for my wallet and tossed the cash furiously onto the counter. _This has got to be the worse day of my life. How embarrassing!_ After glaring at him for what felt like a century, the bartender grabbed the money and cowered away to the other side of the bar.

_Should I... how shall put this... apologize?_ I was contemplating on either running away or confront tonight's disaster. _Well, he wasn't a nightmare, more of a dream except I went and SPOILT IT ALL!!_ I got up from my seat and looked around for him. He was sitting on a white sofa, sipping his drink, and talking to a woman in a corner booth. _He might've been telling the truth_. He seemed... close to her. _Is she his girlfriend? But why would he say he wanted me if, assumingly, he's got someone else?_ She started to toy with his long hair, twisting it in circles between her fingers as she giggled at him. I felt a sudden rush of rage run through my body. _I can't be jealous, can I?_

"Ceh... just my luck" I murmured to myself. I crammed my hands into the small pockets of my pants and walked towards them. _Please God, don't let me down this time!_ I hate to beg, but at the moment... beggars can't be choosers. I tried my best to look casual, but I felt like squirming when the woman sitting next to him looked at me. If only the toilet was nearby so that I could pretend I was heading for it. _You coward!_ Upon reaching them, he was watching me too. I wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. The smile he had on his face a moment ago vanished as soon as he set eyes on me.

"Hey, uh..." I stammered trying to think of what to say and at the same time yelling at myself for approaching them in the first place.

"What do you want? Came to ridicule me again?" He faced the girl and continue, "This the guy I was telling you about just now. What a prick he was. Can't accept the fact that he had the guts to-"

"Ahem, excuse me! I brought whatever _guts_ I had and _balls_ which at the moment have shrunk to the size of your brain to... sorry" I paused for a second, took a deep breath and, "I meant to come to apologize for my rude behavior earlier" There, I'd said it. "And I take back the bit about your brain... andthesizeofit" I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to see what other expressions he might produce to my coming here. I was ready for any other sarcastic remarks from him.

"Bwahahahahahaha! Did you hear that?? Hahahahahaha, he came to say he was sorry! Hahahaha..." _He... he... he was laughing??_ "Hey!" he got up from the chair and stuck his hand out in front of me. "You're forgiven," he gave me a small wink.

Took a few moment to compose myself before I realized he was standing there waiting for me to take his hand. "Aa... oh... err.. okay," I answered back.

After shaking his hand he invited me to have a seat with them. "I'm Sha Gojyo. You can call me Gojyo. And as for the pretty lady over here is my 'lil sister, Houran."

"Houran..." I mimicked in a trance like state. _Why didn't I notice it before? Same hair color, similar features... and also the fact they never touched or kissed in a non-sibling like manner_. Luck was on my side once again.

_To be continued... ??_

**Another A/N:**  
Houran is the girl in the Gensomaden Saiyuki Movie: Requiem, if some of you noticed. I hope the story isn't too short, or silly, or uninteresting. I know there are a couple of stories somewhat like this. Sanzo, Gojyo and bar leading to you know what. Just realized it a bit too late. Sorry to those who think I stole their idea, but I honestly unconsciously wrote it without thinking that there might be others like this one. So, let me know what you think, whether it's boring or _I've read that before_ material, and whether I should continue.

Reviews are most appreciated! Still contemplating on how it shall end! Thanks.


	2. Betrayal

**Author's note:**  
Pretty fast you think? I'm quite surprised myself. Well, I promised a _two_ part series, but unfortunately I can't. It's gonna be a three part [or maybe more]. Depends. I haven't changed the rating because, I don't think there's a need to... yet. The plot begins here. Oh look.. there _is_ a plot!! :) Thought I was gonna just do another PWP!

[prays this fic doesn't turn out to be like a certain abandoned one]

I've turned this into a song-fic. _Sweet Surrender_ by _Sarah McLachlan_. See **revised** version of first chapter. Just added in the beginning. Before I forget, in the first chapter, it was  Sanzo's PoV. In this chapter, it's Gojyo's PoV. Third chapter.... dunno yet!

**serena-san:** I knew you were gonna mention the trance bit. Hahaha!! Wei, I've got the second one up... still waiting for you~ Jangan malas ler!! Just joking... I _am_ anticipating whatever you update so, hope you get done something soon.

**LN Tora:** Thanks to you, the _plotbunny_ came to me last night in a dream [exaggerating here!] and gave me something to write for today. Thanks for the review! Hope you like the other twist I've added in too :)

**Disclaimer:**  
I don't own the characters, just the story [or at least just the words that formed the sentences].

~~~~~ 

[_I've crossed the last line  
from where I can't return,  
where every step I took in faith betrayed me  
and led me from my home_]

"Mmmph... calm down will ya! I need to get the key into the lock," I protested as he continued to nibble at my jaw ravenously, his arms around my neck pulling me closer every time I pulled away.

"Hurry up then!" he hissed into my ear, making me all the more eager get the darn door opened.

Annoyed? Well, no. I wasn't. I was in as much passion as he was, if not more. We were standing in front of my apartment door trying to get in, at least I was trying to get us in before any of my neighbors caught us by chance in this hedonistic act. It was late, or rather very early in the morning, and any suspicious disturbance in this quiet area I call my home was bound to wake the any of it's residents.

_How did we end up here?_ one might wonder. We were having a great time, at the club. He, my sis and I. At first I regretted ever going up to him. It was Houran's fault to begin with. She dared me to, _"pick up that cute hunk over there or _I_ will!"_ Well, lucky for her _I_ did otherwise she would've been disappointed or hurt. Whether fortunate or not, having Houran as a sister has it's perks. Not only do we share certain... _approach__es_ in lifestyle, we have the same preferences in men. _A joke you think? ...perhaps_. I worry for her safety, but I try not to show it otherwise she'd think I didn't trust her ability to take care of herself.

As she left with one of her _rendezvous_ for the night, she also left me with _him_. At first I didn't know what to do. _Yeah, mister jack-of-all-trades in the any department concerning flirtation but not a master as yet in striking up proper conversations_. During awkward situations that is. Blondie over here saved the day however, asked if I dance. Silly question really, to ask a king of the dance floor, but I could've kissed him for saving us from the brink of a potential embarrassing moment. In an instant we were with the crowd, everyone crammed up together on the small raised wooden ground they call a dance floor. I had to agree with him, this place kinda sucked. The DJ's selection however, was pretty good.

We faced each other as we danced. Beads of sweat quickly forming on our faces due to the increase in body heat as more and more people joined in. I was more intoxicated than I was suffocating with him up close. As the crowd pushed to stay on the dance floor, the lesser the gap between us. He probably didn't notice it though. He concentrated his eyes on the floor, head bopping to the music as he swayed his hips from side to side. _God, he was sexy!_

Then suddenly when dark violet eyes looked up into mine... _I thought it was black at first_... it widened for only a fleeting moment before he smirked. Appearing as though he wanted to tell me something, I tilted my head a little lower towards him, waiting for him.

"I thought I should let you know that the bet you made earlier... you lost!" _Bet? I lost?_ For a moment I looked up at him and frowned, trying to figure out what he meant by that.

"What?" I asked, but a second too soon before it occurred to me. The so-called bet I made up as an opening to start a conversation with him.

"I said..." he inched even closer this time, short strands of blonde tickling my cheek. _Wait a minute! If I lost the bet, that means he was actually staring at me?_ He had put one hand behind my neck and the other around my waist, his body slightly grazing mine. I could've swore he did it on purpose as he bumped into me a couple more times just before the arm around my waist slid lower and grabbed my _oh-so-toned_ buttocks.He continued into my now hot and likely flushed ears with a string of very familiar words, "... I was trying to tell you that I _want_ you too!"

Subsequent to that was a big blur of many events all happening at the same time. From trying to catch my breath to trying to control the sudden burst of aching desires to trying, once again, to manage the difficultly I was having to concentrate whilst driving as his hands and lips were all over me. I had to threaten him to stop, "... or this ain't gonna last for long!"

As soon as I dealt with the unlocked door, Sanzo pushed me through it and onto the couch in the living room. The scene was definitely not a pleasant one if for example, an elderly lady happens to pass by. Front door wide open, keys and shoes scattered on the floor and two men indecently grappling one another on a three-seater. I had a reputation to keep up with in this neighborhood, and a hard time I had with this happening almost every other Friday night.

"Wait... wait! The door's open," I said breathlessly, cursing the door for existing.

"Fuck the door," he growled in objection and continued to unbutton my shirt.

"No, you can fuck the door for all I care, I'm going to close it." I slid from under him slowly, not wanting him to fall off the couch and headed for the door. Picking up the keys which I couldn't remember dropping and shoes I was amazed to find off our feet at what speed, I placed them in it's rightful area. I'm not exactly a neat freak, but I don't like a messy apartment either.

"Ugh!" came an exasperated growl. "Is this your idea of a joke? How long you planning to take?" He got up from the settee and started lurking around the apartment.

"Not long. Just gimme a minute. Nature calls," I answered calmly, wiggling my little finger at him. He rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen. "Make yourself at home," I yelled from the bathroom.

When I came out, I was faced with his back turned to me. He was absorbed in one of the more beautiful paintings I had, to notice I was sneaking up behind him. He let out a short gasp as I enclosed my arms around his waist, turning around quickly to face me. For one moment I thought I saw his eyes light up, but flickered out just as abruptly. Shifting his eyes away from mine, he pretended to look at something assumingly interesting behind me. I felt a little hurt at that, I don't know why. "Um... nice apartment," his voice quivered. I knew it was a cover up from whatever it was he hid.

"Oh yeah? You think so?" I asked as though I really valued his opinion. Well, I wasn't gonna ask him what was _ that_ all about. Besides, I don't know the guy well enough to go around poking into his business.

"No, actually I don't give a damn what your apartment looked like," he said now looking at me again, with a grin. "Just _this_." And with that he grabbed my ass once again, this time grinding his hip into mine more firmly. Almost forgotten hard on rubbing against now reawakened one.

"Aah... you frisky little bastard you!" I said with more delight. The burning sensation intensifying again in the lower region of my body. I chuckled quietly to myself as I thought about how unlikely it was for a person like me to meet someone as unique, in a somewhat unusual way, as him. Right from the moment we met, embarrassment on my part, to how mad I got at him for the things he accused me of being to... _everything. Every minute with him was unpredictable_. And I liked this new discovery very much.

"Now, where were we San-niichan?" I asked smiling deviously, but was taken aback when I saw his expression.

"Please, don't call me that!" He sounded so serious, I was afraid... I didn't want to slip up this chance with him.

"Hai, hai! My mistake. How's about... Sanzo-_chan_?" I asked again, dragging the '_chan_' in an alluring manner. He grinned wickedly, and I laughed. Relieved that he was okay with it. _But what was wrong with the first one?_

"What's so funny?" question look with one raised eyebrow looking in my direction.

"You are... Sanzo-chan." I chuckled again.

I gazed into his beautiful eyes, finally noticing the brilliant amethysts that shone underneath blonde eyelashes. Like purple gems surrounded by gold. What an amazing contrast it was and ironically complimented well against the pale skin of his face. His thin lips slightly apart from the usual firmness it held, habitually scaring away anything that might dare touch them. I traced a his lips with a thumb, widening the aperture, feeling the softness of it in spite of what I previously assumed it to be. Following the line of his jaw from chin to his ear. I lowered my head to his, closing the distance between us, with a gentle peck on his lips. Small enough to continue from where we left off yet big enough to taste the sweetness it possessed.

Something in me wanted to handle him with extra care. To cherish every bit that was Sanzo. Every instant we will be spending with each other. I want this feeling to last forever. The feeling as though we were one. Two bodies and souls melded into one. My heart raced at the lack of oxygen. We broke off slowly, both of us out of breath. Catching whatever air we could to fill our empty lungs. I kissed him again. This time taking more of his lips into mine. Remnants of the sweet alcohol he had drunk earlier lingered at the corner of his lips. Licking whatever that was left and at the same time asking permission to enter the cavern.

In spite his cold outlook, everything thing about him wasn't. Each spot I touched was warm. His face, his body, his tongue. Deep beneath that frosty mask he wore, there was definitely a more tender person begging to emerge. _Maybe he was waiting for something_. Now wasn't the time to think about such deep matters. I was on fire, and in great passion indeed for him. I grabbed hold his hand and pulled him into my room. By the bed, we stripped. Revealing more and more skin as each piece of clothing fell to the floor. I kissed him again, more fiercely than before, and coaxed him to get onto the bed.

I stroked his bare chest, searching for the sensitive spot while working my teeth on his neck. Teasing the protruding flesh till it hardened beneath my fingers. The soft whimpers he'd made amplified the desire in me. He bucked his hips as I lapped at the swollen nipple, my hand busy working on the other one. He tightened his grip around my shoulders, pressing our exposed bodies together. The sweat clinging to him like a second skin felt cool against my heated body.

"Sanzo-chan," I whispered raggedly into his ear and he groaned louder in response. "Sanzo-chan..." I whispered again. It must've really affected him when I called out his name because each time his breathing labored. "Sanzo-chan..." the third time I called out, I needed to be in him. My arousal throbbed to enter his tightness. I needed to be in him. "... I want, I need to be in you, Sanzo-chan."

I was about to reposition myself when the arms around my neck tightened. "No..." I couldn't move, but I could feel the body beneath me hyperventilating, badly. "No... please. I... I can't!" _What the fuck?_

I looked up, firmly breaking away from his grip and saw something I wished I never did. Two streams of tears flowed on the sides of his face. He gasped for air, chest heaving violently. It broke my heart into a million pieces. I was frustrated, angry that he could be so selfish. But to see a fragile being beneath me, begging to be released as though I had been torturing him. I couldn't understand what was going on. He wasn't crying, but he had tears dripping from his chin as he got up from the bed. "What's going on?" I asked in confusion. "Did I do something wrong? Hey, talk to me!"

"I'm sorry... It's not your fault," he tried to say with much effort to not sound like a broken record. He reached for his pants and put them on. Grabbed the remainder of his clothes and quickly headed for the door. He looked back into the apartment, staring at me with so much pain in his eyes. Misery written all over his face, he turned and ran.

"Oi... where are you going?" I yelled for him, but he obviously wasn't gonna give me an answer. I grabbed my clothes and put them on hastily as I too made my way towards the door. "Wait, it's raining out there! Come back."

He wasn't listening. He ran out of my apartment, ran through the main entrance and out into the the stormy rain. I chased after him in the dimly lit roads, watching out for any traffic as well as obstacles in the path I followed behind him. I couldn't see where I was going. The only guide I had was his bright colored hair, bobbing through alleys and roads. I didn't know where I was, I just followed until he stopped.

He stood in the muddy grass, barefooted, in front of something I couldn't quite make out. I bent over and rested my hands on my knees, desperately trying to catch my breath. The rain pounded harshly against my back. Thunder shrieked whilst lightning struck dangerously through the darkened skies. I looked up at Sanzo again to make sure he was still there. And he was. Kneeled on the wet ground, sitting on his heels, solemnly staring at an object in front of him. The lightning struck again and this time I saw it. The outline of a tombstone.

They were in the middle of the cemetery. _Fuck!_

_To be continued... ??_

**Another A/N:**  
So... how? Cliff hanger? Who's gravestone is that? As usual, review pls?! :)


	3. Surrender

**Warning/Note:**   
Dark, angst, sap, fluff, mushiness, frustration, sadness... just a mix of things. Also, sorry for any OOC-ness. I tried my best to keep them the way they are, but made minor [if not major] adjustments to suit the story. This chapter is from nobody's point of view. [GojyoxSanzo + SanzoxHakkai]

**Disclaimer:**   
I don't own the characters, just the story [or at least just the words that formed the sentences].

~~~~~

[_I miss the little things,  
oh I miss everything_]

"Sanzo..." said a voice. A voice so calm, so loving he waited patiently for an answer.

"Hmm?" he grunted in an inquiring manner, a response completely opposite from the other's.

Two young lovers sat beneath an old shady cherry blossom tree that grew beautifully by the side of the lake, very well taken cared of by selected gardeners to maintain the city's most distinguished park. The air was still cool, in spite of the scorching midday sun. With them shaded from the sun's rays, and the coolness emanating from the lake mixing with the gentle warm breeze, this was what they were looking forward to. They and many other lovers, waiting for the season of love. It had been a cold, bitter winter the last couple of months and it was finally over.

The lake thawed progressively over the days prior to this day, now it was almost picture perfect. Complete with the returned ducks and swans now swimming, luscious greenery on the boundaries and beyond the lake and little white flowers starting to take bud. Some already eager to bloom, as though they've waited all their non-existent lives for this day. This perfect day where the heavens _be_ in only one pure tint of royal blue, not a trace of white to be seen.

Hakkai laid his head on Sanzo's lap, the latter's hand placed snugly on the former's on chest. "Are we going out tonight?" he asked.

"Mm hmm..." came yet another monotonous grunt.

Green eyes looked up hoping to meet lavender, belonging to the man whose lap he lay upon, but only to blocked by a thick book. Sanzo, engrossed in his book, didn't pay much interest to the questions. Hakkai frowned and tried to get his attention again. "I hope we're not going to that same restaurant _you_ chose the last time. The staffs were giving us funny looks. Oh, these poor narrow-minded people. I heard about this new place, quite good... by the sea. You're fine with seafood right?"

"Mmm..."

Hakkai, a little more than annoyed with the one-liners he got, clicked his tongue as he thought up of another method. A mischievous grin played on his lips when an idea came to him. "Saaannnn-niiiichaann!!" he wailed aloud, pouting his lips as though he was a kid.

Sanzo jumped, the book flying out of his hands and onto the ground. "Hakkai..!!" he exclaimed in a loud whisper, as if trying to shush him.

In the same loud irritating _gaki_ [childish] manner he continued, "What did you mean last night when we were in bed that you wanted to put your mmppffhhh hmmphhh..." Sanzo clasped Hakkai's mouth shut before any classified details about last night's frivolities were revealed.

"Oi... are you crazy??" he looked around to see if anyone was in hearing distance from where they were. He stared back at the man on his laps in disbelief, only to find him laughing uncontrollably back at him.

"Ceh... _baka_ [idiot]. And how many times have I told you _not_ to call me that?" Sanzo tried to look dangerously at Hakkai, but failed to get his message across when the brunette still giggled... wiping off a tear from laughing too hard. A small smile curled up one side of Sanzo's lips, he couldn't stay angry with him. He just couldn't.

They gazed at each other's eyes, amethysts upon emeralds, for one silent moment. Hakkai brought his hands to his lover's face as he sat up, removing the glasses before bringing their faces closer so that he could drown himself in the brilliant pools of purple. "Aishiteru... Sanzo," he whispered before he brushed his lips lightly upon the other's. "I don't know what I'd ever do without you."

Sanzo wrapped his arms around Hakkai and hugged him closer as he kissed him. Hearts pounding beneath chests against each other, lips meshed so hard to be one... muffled gasps for air escaped them. They didn't want to let got of each other. Not now, not ever. The emotions that poured out of their souls that very moment trickled down Hakkai's cheeks. The fear that this is all a dream they will have to wake up from someday, the thought that this is all too good to be true.

The fair-haired man broke their kiss when he felt the warm trails of tears. He frowned, questioning the dark-haired man in his arms. But a smile was returned, in spite of the saddened look his green eyes carried. He brushed away the stubborn tears that hadn't left his cheeks and placed a small peck on it.

"I love you too," he said in a low voice.

"Good!" Hakkai said wholeheartedly. Smiling more genuinely than ever. "So, San-niichan meeting me at seafood restaurant at eight tonight, ne?" He giggled at the expression Sanzo gave.

"Aa, aa... I'll see you there then. Now let me finishing reading my book in peace."

Hakkai lay back down on Sanzo's lap as the latter resumed his pursuit. Sounds of birds sang merrily above them. A gush of strong wind sent small petals of cherry blossoms flying across Hakkai's face. He chuckled to himself, picking one of the petals and holding it above his face. "A beautiful day today, isn't it?" he asked in a more cheerful ambiance, sighing as he exhaled a deep breath.

"Mmm..."

The night arrived, but he never came. He waited all night at restaurant, but he never showed up. He'd called Hakkai's house tens of times, but only to be greeted by an answering machine. He tried to reach him on his cellular phone, but yet another recorded voice disclosing his unavailability. Everything that should have been, had a "but" to follow in. He became impatient, couldn't wait anymore. The feeling of dread washed over him, as the waves washed over the beach endlessly. Did he get lost? He prayed for Hakkai to be okay, he wanted to see him so badly just to be sure nothing had happened. He wanted to drive around to look for him, but where would he start?

Then all of a sudden his cell phone rings. He clumsily tried to press the answer button but missed a couple of times. He took a deep breath to compose himself and then gently pressed the correct button. The call had been from a hospital nearby. Sanzo was written in the hospital records as the next of kin to be contacted in case of an emergency. The call was without a doubt one wished he would never have to answer. A call that was just the as difficult for the caller to make.

Hakkai had met in an accident and couldn't be saved...

***

[_You take me in  
no questions asked,  
you strip away the ugliness  
that surrounds me_]

Two figures, drenched in the blistering cold rain, frozen in their places as time deliberately dragged itself painstakingly slow. No one budged, no one made a sound... the cemetery certainly lived up to it's purpose, ironically. Numbing sounds of pitter-pattering from the rain splashed to the ground, slight thunders shaking the air, and the occasional desperate need of air being sharply sucked in as their wet lips quivered from the cold. That night had been a rare one indeed. One would call one-too-many coincidences as strange, or perhaps a set-up by unworldly forces... may it be good or evil, is there really any difference?

What coincidences? The fact that their meeting was somewhat out of the ordinary, followed by unexpected events... and a number of memories painfully brought up for one in particular only to lead them to the grounds of the dead. Who would have thought such queer endeavors would all take place in this one predestined night. Or is there someone not telling us about the secrets behind the laws of reality?

As creepy as the place was, he felt a tug of deja vu pulling the strings that basted at the back of his mind. Rain... something a little uncanny about it. The worst things happen when it rains. And then watching a man helpless in front of his eyes, he didn't want to go there. He didn't want to approach him, but he had to. It was his duty, at least...and he wanted to at the same time. The tall man crouched next to the other, waiting for a response or some movement to show that the smaller man was aware of where he was or at least that there was someone there. He placed his hand on the blonde man's shoulder, shaking it slightly as he tried to bring him back to reality.

Reality... once again, do we really trust it? Are we really better off living under such circumstances where we can't live as we please but being deceived to think that we are? Who needs to live when life is taken from us when we need it the most? If a world was created without rules, without false impressions, where everything is true to the core and our existence is not a lie... then... the reason for him to still be in this world... wouldn't have died.

"Sanzo?" a mere whisper, so soft, so careful as if any louder would break a glass. Gojyo squeezed his shoulder and pleadingly called for him again. "Let's go back... okay?" he held Sanzo's arm and started pull him upwards but only slipped out of his hand as the blonde jerk it away suddenly.

"I don't need your pity," he answered bitterly. But if one had sharp hearing skills, he would have discovered sorrow being vainly suppressed beneath the bitterness. "And I'm capable of getting up myself."

Gojyo didn't respond to his snappy comment, maybe because he knew better. He started to exit the cemetery, but not before making an offer to Sanzo. "I'm heading back... I ain't planning to fall sick. If you want, you can dry up or change or something before you go home... and perhaps take your shoes you left at my place?"

Sanzo looked at his feet only to realize how true Gojyo's words were. He'd dash out the apartment barefooted, emotions wildly taking over his mind... what had gone into him he wondered. He took one last longing look at Hakkai's grave, closed his eyes and hoped he was somewhere better off than this fucked up place people called earth. Their home, their world. In such illusions we reside. Ignorantly we exist, only to think that the more we had... the happier we'd be, but what about for those who knew it was all too good to be true? That these possessions don't mean a thing anymore. All that matters in life that fills the void in our hearts is the one you love and that one and only one you love the most.

He took one heavy step, heavy as his heart had felt, the true weight he'd been avoiding... neglecting to nurse since a part of him tragically left... he just wanted to curl up and slowly disappear into nothingness. Feelings. We should never allow it to rule our hearts. Never enjoy the bliss of it all because in the end, it doesn't really matter. We lose everything, all purpose of living especially if everything is just that one thing you ask from God to give you but he takes it back... leaving you with nothing.

That one heavy step followed by another and another; only to trail behind in the footsteps of a stranger he'd only just met.

The rain had lessened; permitting the two souls to return home safely. They walked quietly, absorbed in one's own thoughts on the way back, Sanzo all the while keeping at a fair amount of distance behind Gojyo. He'd dodged people who pried into his business. That is only until Hakkai came along.

Gojyo entered his unlocked apartment, heading for his room. He gave the place a once over, nothing seemed to have been missing since he left hurriedly after Sanzo. When he came out of the room, he was holding two towels and a set of clothes. He was about to throw the towel in a playful manner at Sanzo to try to liven things up a little but stopped when he noticed the ashen blonde still standing at the door, outside of the apartment. His heart clenched slightly at the sight before him. A small pool of water already gathered at his feet, the motionless being just stood there. Clothes soaked, hugging to the skin... hair gone astray, some clinging his cheeks... and his eyes, void of any emotion other than desolation. Despair, forlorn and ashamed.

The ruby-eyed man walked towards Sanzo and pushed the towel at his chest. "Here, go get yourself dried. There's a change of clothes for you on the bed in my room. You can use the bathroom attached in the room itself. Actually, I think you need to use it. I'll be in the other room. Hot water is instant, so just turn on the red switch when you use the shower."

With that, Gojyo reached for the door, now behind Sanzo, and closed it. As he turned to walk away, he heard an indistinct word. Just one word to make the stuffy air surrounding them feels lighter. A simple word said with such difficulty yet so powerful in meaning, "Thanks." Gojyo smiled inwardly, surprised perhaps... but then again, anything could be expected with this other being in his house.

As if in slow motion, he could see the hot water spurt out of the showerhead fall upon him. Drop by drop it caressed his tensed muscles, relaxing them as he slowly gave in to the warmth it provided. He felt a little more reassured now, safe, that it wasn't the cold rain hammering on him. Sanzo positioned his hands on the wall, which the showerhead protruded, shifting some of his weight onto it as he allowed the high-pressured water pound numbingly against his head. Drowning out any sounds that he could possibly hear with the sounds from the rushing water.

_If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I would walk right up to heaven and take you back again._

Reminiscences of his deceased lover resurfaced again. How he wished he were still alive. At the same time wishing he'd never met him. If he knew Hakkai was going to leave so soon, would he have wanted to spend those intimate moments with him? Would he have wanted to spend the time listening to his lover's thoughts on life and the little things that made him happy? Would he have regretted if he didn't?

Sanzo tried to stifle a sob, swallowing the lump quickly forming in his throat. '_Not now... not here! Not yet_' he screamed in his head. He only gasped for more air as he tried to control the sudden urge to collapse. Who would catch him? Who would help him up when he's down on his knees? He looked up, water spattering onto his face. He tried to figure out why he was in such a vulnerable state. A vulnerable pathetic state.

Since that fatal day, he never spent to time to mourn Hakkai's death. He'd bury it deep in back of his mind and almost believed that his passing never affected him. That it never really happened. Until tonight that is, when he met Gojyo. The haunting look in his eyes was actually the same look in the emerald eyes he'd so often found comfort in. It sent an indirect message to Sanzo, telling him that he knows there's more than he is willing to tell. The way the long-haired man had handled him in their heated passion a couple of hours earlier somehow reminded him of the manner in which he'd sometimes held Hakkai. Like he was a delicate, thin piece of glass. '_Was that how he felt like?_' he wondered.

Flashes of Hakkai's pale frozen face crossed his mind. The last time he saw him before the funeral. After the call, he'd gone straight to the hospital, driving like a mad man, chanting, "_this cannot be happening_" over and over again. He was asked to come in to identify the body. Body? How could they call him that? He was a wonderful person, the greatest being he had known to exist, and dare they refer to him with such degradation? Is that what we are once we leave the world? A mere lifeless container to just get rid off as soon as possible, that no one has any more respect for?

When he was there, all alone... by himself, he finally did identify him. Hakkai. His pale face, looking even paler than before. Brilliant jades closed as though he was in deep slumber, ironically never to wake up again. They left Sanzo with the deceased alone in the room. The cold, cold room. The feeling of loss and loneliness was even harder to overcome when everything in the room was white, steely and ...dead. Nobody was there for him. Nobody to console his soul. Because the only one who did, and ever would, offer comfort was lying motionless in front of him. He had nobody else.

***

[_Are you an angel,  
am I already that gone  
I only hope that I won't disappoint you,  
when I'm down here on my knees_]

Gojyo sat on the three-seater in the living room, the same one just hours ago they were making out on, waiting for Sanzo to appear. He'd already finish taking a bath and had made a cup of hot coffee each for the both of them. "Strange..." he murmured to himself. It was already four in the morning and the chain of bewildering events continued to amaze him.

"What's strange?" a deep voice from behind questioned him.

He turned his head around, watching Sanzo make his way to sit next to him on the couch. The clothes he'd let him use were obviously big for him. The long sleeves almost covered his fingers, the collar of the shirt falling to one side... revealing one part of his shoulder. Hair so frizzy, it laid apart, some jutting out. "Everything..." he sighed, sinking deeper into his seat. "That's yours if you want it," Gojyo pointed at the mug of steaming coffee on the table before them.

Sanzo stared at the mug, watching the steam curl up and then dissipate into the air. He clasped his hands around it, allowing heat warm his trembling hands before bringing it to his lips. Gojyo watched him take a small sip, testing the temperature and then resumed drinking with bigger sips. "Have you never seen a person drink coffee before?"

"Heh... I have...," but Gojyo didn't finish his sentence. He fished at the corners of the seat, finding a pack of cigarettes he'd normally left there for convenience sake. Placing one stick in his mouth he offered the rest to Sanzo. He looked from the corner of his lavender eyes at the packet for a second, contemplating.. but looked away, refusing the offer.

"You don't smoke?" he asked as he lit up the cigarette dangling between his lips.

"I used to..."

The crimson-haired man sighed as he blew a puff of smoke towards the ceiling.

"That's because... _he_ asked me not to, a long time ago... I just never did 'til..." Sanzo trailed off. He took another sip, swallowing down the lump that started to grow again in his throat, soothing the dryness of it at the same time.

"Oh..." he replied. He had many questions buzzing in his head. So many things he wanted to know. "So... it was him whom you thought was me when I... snuck up behind you?"

"So? Does it make any difference? Why do you even care?" lavender eyes glared at red with a slight hint of fury.

Gojyo took a deeper drag from his cigarette to calm his nerves. He kept quiet, not retorting again to the snappy come back. If there's only one thing that helps to cover up one's true feelings, it would be anger. The rage Sanzo was displaying was obviously unintentional. Besides, what does Gojyo really care anyway? He's just some stranger he met at the club and brought him back to his place. That was it. He could've just left him in the rain, to rot in his sorrow, and save himself the trouble of helping him. But instead, he just had to. "Sorry, didn't mean to pry. And honestly, I don't really care either. Just thought... "

"Thought what? That you could act all _macho_ and think you could help me? Well, thank you but I don't need it. All people have ever done for me after he died was pity and pretended they cared. Do you know how sick it is? To watch all that hypocrisy. The way they think they understand how I feel. Like HELL they do."

The palm of one hand came in contact with the unstable man's face, knocking the wind out of him for a moment. The slightly shocked man held his face, the spot that now stung and flushed red from the heat. Sanzo gritted his teeth and with both hands heading for Gojyo's neck, he plunged forward sending the redhead to fall on his back. Gojyo caught his wrists in time, holding them away from his face as the other man continued to struggle to reach, profanities spilling from his mouth.

"Why you son-of-a-bitch... how dare you?!" he screeched at the man under him.

"Shhh... the neighbors will hear you," surprisingly Gojyo was smiling. He knew very well he was stronger than Sanzo and can over power him any time he wanted to.

"FUCK you!!" he hissed back.

Gojyo pushed him back so that they now sat facing each other. He held Sanzo's hands down in front of him. "Look..." he began but got interrupted when the blonde tried to attack him again. "Will you settle down already. Look..." he began again, this time staring straight into Sanzo's eyes and in a more serious tone. "I just wanted to help you because I just do. Okay? Does there really have to be a reason? And talking about him helps. Helps you in this case." Sanzo looked on, fidgeting as he listened to Gojyo explain.

"Mom died just a few years ago. Houran was the only person that kept me sane. You see these scars? I did it to myself. I mutilated my face because people said I'd looked like her and couldn't bare to see myself in the mirror." Silence floated in the air for a minute or so before Gojyo let Sanzo's wrists go. Then he asked a question. A question that probably stroked more than just a few chords in Sanzo. A question that saw right through his bricked wall of a facade. "You haven't mourned for his death yet, have you?"

"No and I don't want to talk about it. Just... just leave me alone," he spoke unsteadily.

"Whatever you say. I'm going to bed then," the taller man stretched his arms above his head and made his way to the bedroom. At the door he turned around to ask Sanzo if he wanted to share the bed but was immediately given the answer no. He was fine with the couch.

"If you need anything, even if it's an ear to bleed..." but he didn't need to finish his sentence because Sanzo understood.

The lights were off and Sanzo laid on the settee unable to sleep. He stared into the darkness thinking about everything. About Hakkai, Gojyo, what had happened in the past, what just took place. The heavy feeling circled his heart again. It felt cold but not foreign. He went through this almost every night and has yet to grow accustomed to it. Every night expecting Hakkai to walk into his room smiling and jokingly say that he left for a while and got lost, and now he was back... for good.

He let out a frustrated sigh and stood up from his makeshift bed. He walked quietly over to Gojyo's room and peered in from the partially opened door at the silhouette of a still form on the bed. His heart ached again. He moved towards the edge of the bed and stood there for a moment. '_Just once... let go of your ego_' he told himself. Gently he moved the covers and slid underneath it. He faced Gojyo, whose eyes were already open, and apologized for waking him up. Apologized the troubles he'd caused that night and for not finishing off what they'd started. For the abrasive words he used and for his ego when did not accept the fact he was wrong. 

"If there's one thing _he_ taught me and I'll never forget, it was that asking for forgiveness is more rewarding than not... even if it was the hardest words to express," said Sanzo. 

Gojyo wrapped one arm around Sanzo and brought him closer. Slim pale fingers clutched at his shirt. He pressed his face closer into Gojyo's shoulder, burying his head in the crook of the redhead's neck, breathing deeply as tears welled up in his eyes again. This time, unlike many other times, he didn't hold it back in. As he reflected on the things he did together with his late lover, he missed his presence even more. The deep shades of green that defined his enigmatic eyes, the sweet smells of his freshly washed brown hair, the touch of his delicate pale skin, his charming melodious voice that occasionally lulled him to sleep... it is all merely a memory. 

"It's okay," Gojyo would whisper every now and then, because it was the only words he could think that would ease his pain and also because anything louder would be sacrilege. As more tears fled the dams through whatever that was left of the night, it soon diminished as dawn appeared. Dark orange light fled through a tiny gap the curtains left upon the two sleeping men. A light to mark the beginning of a new day. And a light to perhaps mark the beginning of a new life.

[_And I don't understand  
by the touch of your hand,  
I would be the one to fall._

I miss the little things,  
oh I miss everything

It doesn't mean much...  
Sweet Surrender...]

_The End_.

**Author's note:**   
My first reaction when I finally completed this was "Oh my god... it's done!" Still recovering from the fact that it IS done. Hope you readers liked it. This is probably the most effort I've ever put into a story and the longest chapter as well. So, if you would so kindly  please leave a remark, be it flames or praises, I would extremely appreciate it... even if it is just one word. Thank you to those who reviewed the first two chapters, and thank you to those who will.

Serena, this chapter is for the layout you made for me and the reminders to finish it. Thank you so very much! :)


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